CHAPTER XIV
Baron de Tott, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a single act
as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the
different parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown from
Europe to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less
of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece
of ordnance. What he says of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory
will serve me, is this:--"The Turks had placed below the castle, and
near the city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous
piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of
eleven hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it,
but I was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me
trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not
only the castle, but the city also; at length their fears in part
subsided, and I was permitted to discharge it. It required not less
than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball
weighed, as before mentioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer
brought the priming, the crowds who were about me retreated back as
fast as they could; nay, it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded
the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger: even the engineer
who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably alarmed. I
took my stand on some stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal,
and felt a shock like that of earthquake! At the distance of three
hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed
the strait, rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the surface
of the water all in a foam through the whole breadth of the channel."
This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's account
of the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not
long since, the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was
mentioned as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.
I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman, therefore took this
very piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumped
into the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I
unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I say
unfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about
to discharge it, and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of
the channel, where it now lies, without a prospect of ever recovering
it: and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand
Seignior, as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of
the loss of his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off
my head. I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with
whom I was become a great favourite, and she secreted me in her
apartment while the officer charged with my execution was, with his
assistants, in search of me.
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice,
which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I
miscarried in the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the
bargain: however, as it contains no impeachment of my honour, I would
not withhold it from you.
Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity.
I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing
Tott.
His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his
profession was that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys,
vulgarly called a scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains
of Savoy, and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to
both sexes in that part of the world; she left her parents when young,
and sought her fortune in the same city which gave his father birth;
she maintained herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex,
for she never was known to refuse them any favour they asked, provided
they did but pay her some compliment beforehand. This lovely couple
met by accident in the street, in consequence of their being both
intoxicated, for by reeling to one centre they threw each other down;
this created mutual abuse, in which they were complete adepts; they
were both carried to the watch-house, and afterwards to the house of
correction; they soon saw the folly of quarrelling, made it up, became
fond of each other, and married; but madam returning to her old
tricks, his father, who had high notions of honour, soon separated
himself from her; she then joined a family who strolled about with a
puppet-show. In time she arrived at Rome, where she kept an oyster-
stand. You have all heard, no doubt of Pope Ganganelli, commonly
called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond of oysters. One Good
Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in state, to assist
at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's oysters (which
were remarkably fine and fresh); he could not proceed without tasting
them. There were about five thousand people in his train; he ordered
them all to stop, and sent word to the church he could not attend mass
till next day; then alighting from his horse (for the Pope always
rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went into her stall, and
ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired into the cellar
where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment was her
kitchen, parlour, and bed-chamber. He liked his situation so much that
he discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story, His
Holiness passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gave her
absolution, not only for every sin she had, but all she might
hereafter commit.
/Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour
cannot be doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When
Tott was born, his mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of
her child; he immediately placed him under the proper people, and as
he grew up gave him a gentleman's education, had him taught the use of
arms, procured him promotion in France, and a title, and when he died
he left him a good estate./
