CHAPTER XXVI
Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,
where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls,
whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the
creature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate
animal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast
but /kava/, made as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion
of the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank
with the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of
universal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating
live flesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could
not be immediately effected, whatever in future time might be
performed.
Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out
towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our
appearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The
multitude looked upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons,
and the whole company, as something more than terrestrial, but
especially the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and
amazement into the whole nation.
We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a
noble river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in
grand procession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a
dromedary, royally caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot
through respect for his Majesty. He was rather above the middle
stature of that country, four feet three inches in height, with a
countenance, like all his countrymen, as white as snow! He was
preceded by a band of most exquisite music, according to the fashion
of the country, and his whole retinue halted within about fifty paces
of our troop. We returned the salute by a discharge of musketry, and a
flourish of our trumpets and martial music. I commanded our caravan to
halt, and dismounting, advanced uncovered, with only two attendants,
towards his Majesty. The emperor was equally polite, and descending
from his dromedary, advanced to meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to
have the honour to receive so illustrious a traveller, and assure you
that everything in my empire shall be at your disposal."
I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I
was to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa,
and that I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem,
by introducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people.
I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does
not appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the
inhabitants of the moon, because the principal language spoken there,
and in the centre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet
and method of writing are pretty much the same, and show the extreme
antiquity of this people, and their exalted origin. I here give you a
specimen of their writing [/Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung./ p. 46]:--
Stregnah, dna skoohtop.
These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated
antiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one,
in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have been
between the inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, which
Scythians did not by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but the
central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learned
and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are
/Sregnah dna skoohtop/; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.
The word /Sregnah/, which signifies /Scythians/, is compounded of
/sreg/ or /sre/, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and
/nah/, or /gnah/, knowledge, because the Scythians united the
essentials of nobility and learning together: /dna/ signifies heaven,
or belonging to the moon, from /duna/, who was anciently worshipped as
goddess of that luminary. And /skooh-top/ signifies the origin or
beginning of anything, from /skoo/, the name used in the moon for a
point in geometry, and /top/ or /htop/, vegetation. These words are
inscribed at this day upon a pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly
at the source of the river Niger; and if any one refuses his assent,
he may go there to be convinced.
The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of his
courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African
magnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any
expedition without consulting us, and looking upon us as a species of
superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He
frequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the kingdom of
Great Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave
him of our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to
regulate the government nearly on the same plan with the British
constitution, and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility.
His majesty was the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with
the unanimous consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire.
The nobility and chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with
petitions, entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my
noble friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was
agreed that I should accept the government, not as actual and
independent monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of
England.
I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live
flesh and drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive
method to wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my
astonishment, was not taken in good part by the nation, and they
looked with jealousy at those strangers who wanted to make innovations
among them.
Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures
could be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart
fraught with universal benevolence and good will to all mankind could
be capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and
incitement. I did not harshly reprove them, but I invited frequently
whole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted
meat. Alas, 'twas all in vain! my goodness nearly excited a sedition.
They murmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and
ambitious views, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal
interested motive in making them live like men, rather than like
crocodiles and tigers. In fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of
no avail, well knowing that when complaisance can effect nothing from
some spirits, compulsion excites respect and veneration, I prohibited,
under the pain of the severest penalties, the drinking of kava, or
eating of live flesh, for the space of nine days, within the districts
of Angalinar and Paphagalna.
But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of my
government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally
pasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered
upon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine,
there never was a government so much detested, or with such little
reason.
In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the
rest of the council, who had advised me to the former method, had
given but a poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I
should have succeeded more happily. In short, he addressed himself to
me and to the council as follows:--
"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours
to compel or force these people to a life to which they have never
been accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding,
roast beef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet,
that wine is exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend
what deliciousness is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the
grape. And even if they were convinced of the superior excellence of
your way of life, never, never would they be persuaded; and that if
for no other reason, but because force or persuasion is employed to
induce them to it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try
another method. My opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once
cease all endeavours to compel or persuade them. But let us, if
possible, procure a quantity of /fudge/ from England, and carelessly
scatter it over all the country; and from this disposal of matters I
presume--nay, I have a moral certainty, that we shall reclaim this
people from horror and barbarity."
Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently
opposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed,
when there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted
to they knew not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner,
the possibilities of success, or how they could bring matters to bear.
However, 'twas a scheme, and as such they submitted. For my part, I
listened with ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew
that he had a most singular knowledge of human kind, and could humour
and persuade them on to their own happiness and universal good.
Therefore, according to the advice of Hilaro, I despatched a balloon
with four men over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters
to be forwarded to England, requiring, without delay, a few cargoes of
fudge.
The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment
and murmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorance
could conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The
most worthy, even the most beneficent actions, everything that was
amiable, were perverted into opposition.
The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to
be insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the
whole kingdom; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled
with an idea of such continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as
possible, not, methought, beneath my dignity, to make them feel for
me: that the universal good and happiness of the people were all I
wished or desired; that if my actions had been mistaken, or improper
surmises formed, still I had no wish, no desire, but the public
welfare, &c. &c. &c.
Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly
at me--he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart,
my intentions, that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing
but as if through a cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility)--
lords, ladies, chiefs--the whole assembly seemed to swim before my
sight. The more I thought on my good intentions, the lampoons which so
much affected my delicacy, good nature, tenderness--I forgot myself--I
spoke rapid, violent--beneficence--fire--tenderness--alas! I melted
into tears!
"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.
Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed,
bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, I
started up as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look,
look here, Hilaro!--how can I bear all this? It is impossible to
please them; I will leave the government--I cannot bear it! See what
pitiful anecdotes--what surmises: I will make my people feel for me--I
will leave the government!"
"Pshaw!" says Hilaro. At that simple mono-syllable I found myself
changed as if by magic! for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person so
experienced--such fortitude, such good sense. "There are three sails,
under the convoy of a frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the
Cape, after a fortunate passage, laden with the fudge that we
demanded. No time is to be lost; let it be immediately conducted
hither, and distributed through the principal granaries of the
empire."
